a little girl lost in this big big world...

眼前的白光射在白色的墙壁上，亮得让人头疼。
眼睛好像在看着什么东西，但是又什么都没看到，所有事物都一扫而过，五颜六色的来不及吸收。
突然觉得自己轻飘飘的，想要从这里，从我身体里飘走，飘走。我深呼吸，试图找回我的存在。
但还是感到身边白得不真实，似乎我不知道身在何处，在做什么；
只是随着脚下的摇摆而摇摆，带我一直去向前方。
合上疲惫的眼睛，躲避一闪一闪的电视，身体接着晃来晃去，晃来晃去。

          写下这个标题的时候，我坐在住了一年半的伦敦北二区的顶楼小屋里。生活如常，我还没有要离开这个城市。

就 在今天早晨，我和一个国内朋友网聊时说，我已经将近十天没有见到阳光了，伦敦已经彻底沦陷在了冬日无边无涯的萧瑟阴郁之中。来英国之前听说有人因为天气太 差而移民，我觉得真是小题大作。现在我不仅完全理解，而且比英国人更加不能自持，每日像祥林嫂一般念叨着阴晴。当连续第十个早晨拉开窗帘又是一片晦涩的阴 雨天的时候，我觉得我离抑郁不远了。

就在今天中午，一位英国同事邀请我下了班去喝一杯，这是本周收到的第三次邀请。仗着和他关系不错，仗着他们英国的天气影响了我的心情，我忍不住发了一通牢骚。请问你们为什么要这样嗜饮呢就因为平常你们都太拘谨只有几杯下肚才能let loose敞开心扉正常交际吗。请问没有比在寒冬中一人手执一瓶站在酒吧门外哪怕冻得瑟瑟发抖也要喝冰冻啤酒更人性更有趣的娱乐方式吗。你们英国人的饮酒量在过去四十年翻了一番这样不好不安全不健康知道吗。

很多时候伦敦总是在这里或那里得罪着我。比如令人绝望的天气，比如必须一脸严肃地宣称“我对酒精过敏”才 不会因为点个果汁而被人耻笑，比如贵到匪夷所思的物价，比如没有手机信号的地铁，比如傍晚六点就关门的百货商店。刚来时一个英国朋友问我对伦敦的看法，我 说，这个城市就像女演员中的一种，要在某个特定的时刻，从某个特定的角度看过去才觉得入眼，其它时候你都在困惑她究竟好在哪里。

伦 敦自然有它可爱的地方，比如它无所不包的博物馆和永远精彩的舞台，比如它的历史感，比如伦敦人的幽默与自嘲。很多人说伦敦和北京相似的一点是待得越久越喜 欢。对这种说法我一直持怀疑态度。这就好比一个媒人介绍对象时说，此人毛病多多，但相处久了就习惯了一般不能让人信服。

可是，就在今天晚上，在不那么经意的一个瞬间，我心底突然被伦敦小小地牵动了一下，随之竟涌起一种尚未离开已经怀念的奇妙感觉。这种感觉越来越强烈，发展成一种不可遏止地要将它记录下来的冲动。

准 确地说，这个瞬间发生在我回家的路上，我刚在伦敦政治经济学院听完了一场讲座。主讲人是个来自苏格兰的金融历史学家，现执教哈佛，讲座的主题是货币和金融 危机。整个讲座妙趣横生，末尾的一段最为精彩。他说，各位，中国和美国的关系不就像一对夫妻，一个负责赚钱，一个负责花钱吗。台下大笑。他说，如果没有中 国人的储蓄，就不会有眼下这场从美国蔓延到全球的金融危机，我们要去向何方，在很大程度上取决于一个词：Chimerica ——?这是他的首创，是把中国和美国的英文名字捏成了一个词。

在 回家的路上想起这段话，我不禁微笑了起来，而我对伦敦忽然而至的依恋也就产生在了这个瞬间。还能有这样一个地方吗，它的大学可以邀请到这个世界上最智慧的 头脑，最多元的言论，并且毫无保留地对公众开放，热切地邀请任何感兴趣的人一起进行思想的碰撞。还能有这样一个地方吗，你可以接触到对你以为已经熟知的祖 国这般新鲜的，迥异的看法，说者或褒或抑，听者自行评断。还能有这样一个地方吗，我每隔三五天就要禁不住诱惑，下了班空着肚子跑进学校听两个小时讲座，人 满了听不上的时候还要沮丧好一阵。

和 很多旅居海外的中国人一样，我时常抱怨生活在异乡的寂寞。这并不一定是独处的寂寞，更多的是脱离了一整个熟悉的家庭和社会网络，失去座标一脚悬空的寂寞， 是既然这国不是我的国，这家不是我的家，我为谁奋斗，成功了又与谁分享的寂寞。来了英国才明白什么叫作发达社会，那是一种一切都上了轨道，一切都尘埃落定 的感觉，这常常令我无比怀念国内热气腾腾的，不论什么都可能发生，都正在发生的日新月异。我从来没有改变过回国的决心，和朋友聊天也总是说，与其远远祝福 她，不如回去建设她。可是慢慢的，我开始有了一点困惑，我终于走到了这座围城的墙角。

一 个在伦敦住了五年的朋友说，他初到此地最强烈的感受，是手机突然安静了。国内呼朋唤友的喧嚣戛然而止，取而代之的是必须独自打发的长夜和周末。对此我感同 身受。最近和一个国内来访的朋友聊天时我说，回了国我一定要住市中心，让朋友围着暖着，弥补我这儿冷清的生活。这位朋友露出难以置信的神色说，回了国就怕 你饭局party多到躲也来不及，你最大的梦想就是找个地方一个人待着。原来寂寞真的有它的美丽。回了国，我还有空捧着书在咖啡馆坐一个周日的下午吗，我还有心情下了班跑去大学听讲座吗，我会不会觉得如眼下这般花一个晚上写可有可无的字纯属浪费时间？

最 近和一个刚在英国名校读完硕士的朋友吃饭，问起她的近况。她说毕业之后她为一个慈善机构工作，这个机构给她提供一套免费住房，外加每周不到七十镑的生活津 贴，她必须节俭地生活，可是吃得饱穿得暖，而且很有成就感。我问她可想回国，她说回是肯定要回的，可是一旦回去，就要卷入为钱为房子奋斗的洪流了，别说家 人朋友不会允许，就连她也不能允许自己再如眼下这般生活了，所以，还是要等她干一段自己想干的事情再回去。的确，回了国，我也要加入这滚滚洪流了吧，与众 人一样奋力向前，如果泳技不佳，我会焦躁不安吗，我可以允许自己落后吗？

刚 来伦敦的时候，碰到过一个水管工。他在我们约好的某日下午五点准时出现，穿着笔挺的制服，头一件事是拿出一份公司文件让我签名。大致意思是：你家住在三楼 以上，如果有类似爬高爬低可能损害我们员工人身安全的要求，我们的员工可以拒绝接受。签了名，开始干活修管子。一个小时后，眼看就快搞定，水管工拍拍裤腿 收拾工具起身要走。我大惊，问他就差这么一点儿不能干完再走吗，超出的时间我可以付钱。他说，六点收工是公司规定，如果破例会引起工会不满，你可以致电公 司再约时间。这事成为我向人控诉伦敦服务业之低效的经典案例，末尾总要加上这充分体现了帝国主义腐朽没落之类的感叹。慢慢地，习惯了这边劳力的昂贵，习惯 了就算有钱也不一定买得到他乐意，我发现这就是为什么在伦敦，即便是所谓底层的劳动人民，比如搬运工或者清洁工，也总是衣着整洁腰杆笔挺。贵是贵了，慢是 慢了，但反而叫人珍惜起他们的服务来。是要最高效的经济增长，还是追求社会的平等尊严，伦敦选择了后者。回到国内，我还能真正从内心深处平等地对待一个水 管工吗？即便我可以，他可以生活得有保障，有自信，以他的职业为荣而不是在人家之前自己先矮了一头去吗？

和 好几位在伦敦生活了多年的中国朋友聊天，问他们最喜欢这里什么，一个词出现的频率最高：安全感。开始我不解，什么安全感？走在北京上海的街头也很安全啊。 直到国内的毒奶粉事件出现，我终于开始明白，这是指对食物的质量，对生活的环境，对政府的政策，对自己的财产，对假定一觉醒来不会发生变化的事物，一觉醒 来果然没有发生变化的安全感。前几天去参加BBC四台现场直播的Any Questions节目，主持人Jonathan Dimbleby从1987年 开始主持这档节目，每周四晚八点准时出现在电波中，二十一年后依然妙语连珠毫无疲态。英国的很多传统就和它的房子一样，动不动就有上百年了。安全感就是知 道公司餐厅每周五必定供应炸鱼和薯条，就是知道每周三中午首相布朗一定要和反对党领袖在议会对轰一番，就是知道社区里那家医院那家学校十年以后还没被拆掉 还会是那家医院那家学校。

和 国内的朋友接触，总是觉得国内急剧的发展就好像一驾风驰电掣的列车，它呼啸着毫不留恋地向前飞奔，好像急于摆脱什么。在伦敦一个细小的政策变化可以让公众 和政府你来我往辩论上大半年，而在国内再重大的公众事件吸引眼球也超不过三五天。可是这样的速度难免让人有隐隐的担心，那就是，这车上的螺丝都拧紧了吗？ 前方的轨道扳正了吗？如果发现了问题，刹车还来得及吗？一位朋友说：在国内我们的很多政策、我们设定的很多生活目标，都是针对未来两三年的，而英国人总是 在为未来五十年一百年做打算，这源自他们的安全感，他们对火车不会出轨的信心。

作 为一个老牌帝国主义国家的首都，伦敦是不是在走向衰败一直是讨论的话题，但不能否认的是，它曾经辉煌过、见识过、经历过、也阵痛过。这就是为什么它不免时 常要带着居高临下的口吻评价我们这些世界经济舞台上的初来乍到者。不久前我和报社里一位英国同事有过一场争论。他写了一篇批评中国交通政策的文章，指出政 府对环保轿车没有明显的倾斜，讥讽中国消费者仍对大排量车趋之若鹜，建议我们还是回到自行车年代。我说，你可以批评政府的政策，但不能批评老百姓开车的愿 望，你可以帮助我们发展更好的车，而不是剥夺我们拥有的权利。他想了想，过了一会儿回来对我说：你说的对。改过的稿子里，已经拿掉了自行车的段落。可是事 后我回头想，这就好像一个上了年纪的人对一个年轻人说，你不要做这个或那个，因为我有过惨痛的教训，而没有亲历过又心高气傲的年轻人却很少会心存感激地接 受教导一样。伦敦在减排方面的政策的确要严苛得多，政府不遗余力地鼓励自行车和公众交通，任何一个来伦敦出差的中国朋友在领略了这里的蓝天白云和清新空气 之后恐怕都不会对此提出异议。

写 到这里我发现，虽然伦敦永远改造不了我拒绝酒精的胃，却已经在不知不觉中重塑我的思维。对先前居住过的几个城市，我总是到离开之后开始惦念，想起它种种的 好。终于这一次，我学会了在离开之前体味和欣赏伦敦之美。纵然我还是要常常抱怨，纵然我还是会离开，我会不时想起今晚回家路上我突然微笑的这一个瞬间。在 这个瞬间伦敦打动了我。

尽管她有点傲慢，有点拘谨，刻板而不那么圆通，但是她优雅守礼，幽默而克制，乐于包容，崇尚真知灼见。伦敦，这就是为什么我会怀念你。

当有一天，
一双温暖让人安心的手紧握着我的手，
抚摸着我的头发和脸颊的时候，
我知道那一刻你不是寂寞的。
浑身都变暖了，
我深呼吸，放松了。
有莫名其妙的力量让我的嘴角上扬。
忽然，感觉一滴热的泪划下来，晒在月光下。
幸福，不就是这样么？

裹着被子，
冰冷的双手抱着自己，
膝盖已经绻到胸前，
鼻子吸溜着，温习幸福。
快了，3周，快了。

圣诞新年，又是一连串的节日～
为了避免自己的郁郁寡欢，今年我决定充当大厨。
传统圣诞大餐看我的啦，不好吃也要说好吃啊～

希望每个人都有美味吃，新衣穿。
明年我们都会有工作，有爱情，有面包。
要爱妈妈，爱朋友，爱自己。
要学会怎样把悲伤扼杀在萌芽阶段，怎样把快乐无限放大。

再见 2008
期待 2009

一直都很爱电影，人物，地点，情节，构成一个个那么迥然不同的故事。这些大多不可能发生在自己身上的故事，把我也拉进其中，或幻想自己是主人公，或把自己的情感与故事牵连起来，成为一次次的小探险，给自己无味的生活添点调味料。

看一部电影又好像在偷窥别人的生活，在暗处的我，凭着好奇心在观察别人的一举一动。平时，看着自己房间对面窗户里亮着的灯光，想像那里的人在做什么，在经历什么样的人生，是不是也和我一样开心着或哭泣着。于是电脑屏幕就成为另一扇窗口，一目了然地为我呈现那里面的悲欢冷暖。它也让我感觉到每个人都有故事，不管是那酒吧里谈笑风生的年轻美女，还是走在街上裹着羽绒服低头疾步的中年男人。

我自己的故事也总是可以在脑子变成一部电影，播放一遍，也是有笑有泪，有时甚至可以带我回去当时的时间，重温当时的感觉，再一次被感动。原来自己的生活是平凡，但决不平庸。一件件小事的积累，可以用来证明我也不是白白活在这世上。

精彩的电影，总是有续集的。我能保证我的续集只会超越第一部，一定值回票价。

最近一直听到有人说，趁现在的时间，应该好好享受生活，不然以后找到工作后就再没有这么大把时间来做自己喜欢的事了。
可是我现在也什么都做不了，天天有点行尸走肉，有点力不从心，有点心灰意冷。
恨自己的消极性格，不过也已经觉得自己改善很多了，谢谢朋友们，也谢谢他相信我。
不管未来是怎样，我都要面对。我知道身边一直都有你们在，让我慢慢开始有勇气去面对。
不适应的事情慢慢开始适应了，可是我还是想逃跑，想改变。
不过我还是庆幸，庆幸自己还可以无忧无虑的笑，肆无忌惮的哭。

I am honored to be with you today for your commencement from one of the finest universities in the world. Truth be told, I never graduated from college. And this is the closest I've ever gotten to a college graduation. Today I want to tell you three stories from my life. That's it. No big deal. Just three stories.

---

The first story is about connecting the dots.

 I dropped out of Reed College after the first 6 months, but then stayed around as a drop-in for another 18 months or so before I really quit. So why did I drop out?

It started before I was born. My biological mother was a young, unwed college graduate student, and she decided to put me up for adoption. She felt very strongly that I should be adopted by college graduates, so everything was all set for me to be adopted at birth by a lawyer and his wife. Except that when I popped out they decided at the last minute that they really wanted a girl. So my parents, who were on a waiting list, got a call in the middle of the night asking: "We have an unexpected baby boy; do you want him?" They said: "Of course." My biological mother later found out that my mother had never graduated from college and that my father had never graduated from high school. She refused to sign the final adoption papers. She only relented a few months later when my parents promised that I would someday go to college. This was the start in my life.

And 17 years later I did go to college. But I naively chose a college that was almost as expensive as Stanford, and all of my working-class parents' savings were being spent on my college tuition. After six months, I couldn't see the value in it. I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life and no idea how college was going to help me figure it out. And here I was spending all of the money my parents had saved their entire life. So I decided to drop out and trust that it would all work out OK. It was pretty scary at the time, but looking back it was one of the best decisions I ever made. The minute I dropped out I could stop taking the required classes that didn't interest me, and begin dropping in on the ones that looked far more interesting.

It wasn't all romantic. I didn't have a dorm room, so I slept on the floor in friends' rooms, I returned coke bottles for the 5¢ deposits to buy food with, and I would walk the 7 miles across town every Sunday night to get one good meal a week at the Hare Krishna temple. I loved it. And much of what I stumbled into by following my curiosity and intuition turned out to be priceless later on. Let me give you one example:

Reed College at that time offered perhaps the best calligraphy instruction in the country. Throughout the campus every poster, every label on every drawer, was beautifully hand calligraphed. Because I had dropped out and didn't have to take the normal classes, I decided to take a calligraphy class to learn how to do this. I learned about serif and san serif typefaces, about varying the amount of space between different letter combinations, about what makes great typography great. It was beautiful, historical, artistically subtle in a way that science can't capture, and I found it fascinating.

None of this had even a hope of any practical application in my life. But ten years later, when we were designing the first Macintosh computer, it all came back to me. And we designed it all into the Mac. It was the first computer with beautiful typography. If I had never dropped in on that single course in college, the Mac would have never had multiple typefaces or proportionally spaced fonts. And since Windows just copied the Mac, it’s likely that no personal computer would have them. If I had never dropped out, I would have never dropped in on this calligraphy class, and personal computers might not have the wonderful typography that they do. Of course it was impossible to connect the dots looking forward when I was in college. But it was very, very clear looking backwards ten years later.

Again, you can't connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something — your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. Because believing in the dots will connect down the road will give you the confidence to follow your heart even when they leave you off the well-worn path. And it has made all the difference in my life.

---

My second story is about love and loss.

I was lucky — I found what I loved to do early in life. Woz and I started Apple in my parents’ garage when I was 20. We worked hard, and in 10 years Apple had grown from just the two of us in a garage into a $2 billion company with over 4000 employees. We had just released our finest creation — the Macintosh — a year earlier, and I had just turned 30. And then I got fired. How can you get fired from a company you started? Well, as Apple grew we hired someone who I thought was very talented to run the company with me, and for the first year or so things went well. But then our visions of the future began to diverge and eventually we had a falling out. When we did, our Board of Directors sided with him. So at 30 I was out. And very publicly out. What had been the focus of my entire adult life was gone, and it was devastating.

I really didn't know what to do for a few months. I felt that I had let the previous generation of entrepreneurs down - that I had dropped the baton as it was being passed to me. I met with David Packard and Bob Noyce and tried to apologize for screwing up so badly. I was a very public failure, and I even thought about running away from the valley. But something slowly began to dawn on me — I still loved what I did. The turn of events at Apple had not changed that one bit. I had been rejected, but I was still in love. And so I decided to start over.

I didn't see it then, but it turned out that getting fired from Apple was the best thing that could have ever happened to me. The heaviness of being successful was replaced by the lightness of being a beginner again, less sure about everything. It freed me to enter one of the most creative periods of my life.

During the next five years, I started a company named NeXT, another company named Pixar, and fell in love with an amazing woman who would become my wife. Pixar went on to create the world’s first computer animated feature film, Toy Story, and is now the most successful animation studio in the world. In a remarkable turn of events, Apple bought NeXT, I returned to Apple, and the technology we developed at NeXT is at the heart of Apple's current renaissance. And Laurene and I have a wonderful family together.

I'm pretty sure none of this would have happened if I hadn't been fired from Apple. It was awful tasting medicine, but I guess the patient needed it. Sometimes life hits you in the head with a brick. Don't lose faith. I'm convinced that the only thing that kept me going was that I loved what I did. You've got to find what you love. And that is as true for your work as it is for your lovers. Your work is going to fill a large part of your life, and the only way to be truly satisfied is to do what you believe is great work. And the only way to do great work is to love what you do. If you haven't found it yet, keep looking. Don't settle. As with all matters of the heart, you'll know when you find it. And, like any great relationship, it just gets better and better as the years roll on. So keep looking. Don't settle.

---

My third story is about death.

When I was 17, I read a quote that went something like: "If you live each day as if it was your last, someday you'll most certainly be right." It made an impression on me, and since then, for the past 33 years, I have looked in the mirror every morning and asked myself: "If today were the last day of my life, would I want to do what I am about to do today?" And whenever the answer has been "No" for too many days in a row, I know I need to change something.

Remembering that I'll be dead soon is the most important tool I've ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life. Because almost everything — all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure - these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important. Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart.

About a year ago I was diagnosed with cancer. I had a scan at 7:30 in the morning, and it clearly showed a tumor on my pancreas. I didn't even know what a pancreas was. The doctors told me this was almost certainly a type of cancer that is incurable, and that I should expect to live no longer than three to six months. My doctor advised me to go home and get my affairs in order, which is doctor's code for prepare to die. It means to try to tell your kids everything you thought you'd have the next 10 years to tell them in just a few months. It means to make sure everything is buttoned up so that it will be as easy as possible for your family. It means to say your goodbyes.

I lived with that diagnosis all day. Later that evening I had a biopsy, where they stuck an endoscope down my throat, through my stomach and into my intestines, put a needle into my pancreas and got a few cells from the tumor. I was sedated, but my wife, who was there, told me that when they viewed the cells under a microscope the doctors started crying because it turned out to be a very rare form of pancreatic cancer that is curable with surgery. I had the surgery and thankfully I'm fine now.

This was the closest I've been to facing death, and I hope it’s the closest I get for a few more decades. Having lived through it, I can now say this to you with a bit more certainty than when death was a useful but purely intellectual concept:

No one wants to die. Even people who want to go to heaven don't want to die to get there. And yet death is the destination we all share. No one has ever escaped it. And that is as it should be, because Death is very likely the single best invention of Life. It is Life's change agent. It clears out the old to make way for the new. Right now the new is you, but someday not too long from now, you will gradually become the old and be cleared away. Sorry to be so dramatic, but it is quite true.

Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma — which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of others' opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.

When I was young, there was an amazing publication called The Whole Earth Catalog, which was one of the bibles of my generation. It was created by a fellow named Stewart Brand not far from here in Menlo Park, and he brought it to life with his poetic touch. This was in the late 1960’s, before personal computers and desktop publishing, so it was all made with typewriters, scissors, and Polaroid cameras. It was sort of like Google in paperback form, 35 years before Google came along: it was idealistic, and overflowing with neat tools and great notions.

Stewart and his team put out several issues of The Whole Earth Catalog, and then when it had run its course, they put out a final issue. It was the mid-1970s, and I was your age. On the back cover of their final issue was a photograph of an early morning country road, the kind you might find yourself hitchhiking on if you were so adventurous. Beneath it were the words: “Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish.” It was their farewell message as they signed off. Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish. And I have always wished that for myself. And now, as you graduate to begin anew, I wish that for you.

Stay Hungry, Stay Foolish.

我闭上眼睛，空气安静，
好像能听到时间一秒一秒缓慢流过的声音。
我浪费过多少个秒钟，又有多少个秒种是我珍惜过的？
过去的挥之不去，未来的遥不可及。
每天的呼吸，心跳，都轻得没有感觉，轻的像不存在。
就这么生存着，我的生活在哪？
和朋友的笑声，和自己的哭声；
和成长的矛盾，和自卑的战斗；
和回忆的纠结，和电话那边的幸福。
我想要安全，可是我不能安全。
拳心握紧，抓到的只是空气。
我要抓到什么呢？
我要真诚的拥抱，坚定的信念，金钱和经验。
我要生活。

人 群中 哭著  你只想變成透明的顏色

你再也不會夢 或痛  或心動了  

你已經決定了  你已經決定了

 

你 靜靜 忍著  緊緊把昨天在拳心握著

而回憶越是甜 就是  越傷人了

越是在 手心留下 密密麻麻 深深淺淺 的刀割

 

  你不是真正的快樂  你的笑只是你穿的保護色

  你決定不恨了  也決定不愛了

  把你的靈魂關在永遠鎖上的軀殼

 

這 世界 笑了  於是妳合群的一起笑了

當生存是規則 不是 你的選擇

於是妳 含著眼淚 飄飄盪盪 跌跌撞撞 的走著

 

  你不是真正的快樂  你的笑只是你穿的保護色

  你決定不恨了  也決定不愛了

  把你的靈魂關在永遠鎖上的軀殼

 

  你不是真正的快樂  你的傷從不肯完全的癒合

  我站在你左側  卻像隔著銀河

  難道就真的抱著遺憾一直到老了 然後才後悔著

 

     你值得真正的快樂  你應該脫下你穿的保護色

     為什麼失去了  還要被懲罰呢

     能不能就讓 悲傷全部 結束在此刻 重新開始活著